Are there any more 'nun' jokes?
12.06.2025 10:28
The rabbi behind them saw it in time to duck.
This time he’s starting to nod off when he’s again awoken by the nun, “Father, I’m still cold!” So once again the priest gets up, places another blanket on the nun, and heads back to his sleeping bag. But when he’s almost asleep this time she calls again, “Father, Father, I’m sooo cold!” The priest thinks on this situation and after a moment he responds. “Sister, we are in the middle of nowhere in a storm. No one but ourselves and the Lord God almighty will know what happens here this night. What would you say if, just for this night, we act as though we were married?” The nun thinks on this for a while and finally responds with an excited, “Yes Father, I’d like that!” To which the priest responds,
The angry Leprechaun, now steaming, takes a few moments without a word to blow off his sudden anger. After a few moments he says “Thank ye for yer time Mother.”
I know a nun who says her nightly prayers in the shower.
The third nun fainted.
The other nun rolls down the window and yells “Get the bloody hell out of middle of the road asshole!”
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Mother superior adjusts her glasses in disbelief at what she is seeing. “My goodness for such special guests please ask anything you wish”
The first nun asks, “What part did you get?”
St. Peter goes up to the first nun and says, “Have you ever touched a penis?”
“No! It’s Nun of the Above!”
“Get your own fucking blanket.”
Why can’t a nun disagree with a priest?
What is your favourite true story to tell at a party?
Why do nuns always go places in pairs?
“Goodness, Sister!” gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. “You must tell me all about it!”
When she flies over, people say:
Sister Patrick gasps. “Oh Sister, why would you let him do that?”
Nun-precedented.
St Peter says to the nuns, “Given you are nuns and have devoted your life to good works you only need to answer a single question each to enter Heaven.”
Why were the Japanese soldiers in WW II so hesitant to surrender in battle?
Nun-chucks.
Nun-fiction.
A nun was chatting with Mother Superior.
Who is the beast of Revelation 13?
The bartender is surprised and then asks them
Sisters I must confess, I have had s**… s**… relations with a woman.
A priest is taking confession when a woman confesses to giving head…
Nun-convent-ional.
Seeing all this, the third nun in line taps the sister in front of her and says, “Sister, would it be ok if I cut in front of you in line?” The second nun says, “well, certainly sister, but why?” The third nun replies “I want to gargle that holy water before you stick your ass in it.”
The young priest said, “I do have one question, Mother Superior, what is a b**…?”
What do you call a nun on a bike?
The bartender says, “What is this? A joke?”
Make preparations for a ribald trip with our selection of daringly dirty nun jokes if you want to engage in some spicy comedy and have a naughty sense of humor.
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“It’s only 10 a.m., and I’ve never seen you here before 11!”
are on a plane with a group of children. The pilot announces over the loudspeaker that the plane is going down and they only have a few minutes. The nun, priest and politician run to the back of the plane to grab their parachutes and notice there’s not enough for everybody. The nun says “we need to save the children!” The politician yells back “SCREW THE CHILDREN!” The priest looks at the politician and says “Do we have time?”
The Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said …
A nun is praying in her convent in rural Ireland when there is a sudden bang and a cloud of green smoke
Works best with your most over the top Irish accent.
On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.
Can supporters of gun control explain the purpose behind a gun registry?
“Oh no Father, let me get you another blanket,” and up she gets and fetches him another.
“It must be the cobbles”, says the other.
What do you call a flag with a nun on it?
Three nuns are talking about their gardens, one of them is deaf.
99 nuns gasp one in back giggles.
From the door comes “It’s the blind guy!”
“Is that when you swore?”
“Only five years though. Not quite an expert. Has anyone been around a bit longer?” Asks the leprechaun.
At the green, again the priest takes his shot, but the ball rolls past the hole, coming to a stop just a few inches away from it.
The priest is teeing off at the first hole. The ball flies across the fairway towards the green, but lands meters from the hole.
hisses through the windshield even more menacingly.
she meets another nun who smiles and says “Someone got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning!”
Again, the Nun warns him.
If you guessed “Angel nun” you are wrong.
The driver nun does so, but the tiny Dracula is still not dislodged and
The nun shrugs, thinking she wasn’t really that grumpy looking and continues to the bathroom, to be met by another nun who looks her up and down, smiles and says “Someone got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning!”
“It was,” sighed the Sister. “And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.”
My dad is a priest and my mom is a nun
“I burned them.”
The Mother Superior furrows her brow and says, “Oh, that’s a hard one”.
This is nun-believable.
“Yes sister?”
The nun then climbs into the front seat and gives him the best blow job of his life. Really curls his toes.
The bartender looks at the man and says, “Is that nun in here again?”
The nun agrees, “Okay but bring it in a tea cup. I don’t want people thinking I’m drinking.”
They are waiting to talk to Saint Peter outside the gates of Heaven.
A nun is sitting on the bus when a hippie comes in and sits next to her…
“Well sister, this looks pretty grim.”
Slim to Nun?
“Sister, this is kind of embarrassing, but what’s a b**…?”
Nun-jas.
“I don’t want to be rude, but can I please hide under your dress? I’ll explain later.” Said the man.
A priest was confronted by a p**….
Two Irish nuns visited Scotland for the first time…
A priest, a rabbi, and a nun walk into a drug deal
The other has soap in her hole.
Well, the sisters all agree if he is blind, there’s no harm letting him in while they’re nude, and it is still *very* hot so they’d rather stay nude if they can… so they let him in and lock the door again.
The nun replies, “No, I haven’t ever taken a drink of hard liquor.”
A force of habit.
I try to avoid making nun jokes, but it’s a farce of habit.
The first nun quickly replied, “The garden of Eden”.
In response to the news I just said “Holy fuck!”
As she passes her local store, the shopkeeper says, “Wake up on the wrong side of the bed today, Sister?”
Did you guys hear about the nun with super powers?
She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
“This has to be a joke!”
The leprechaun turns to his friend and says “see? I told you ya fucked a penguin”
“We know this because we found a used condom just outside the gates.”
Nun Solo.
Two nuns stand by the road, holding a sign which reads, “You’re headed down a dark and dangerous path, turn back before it’s too late!”
“Is that true father?”
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
Two Irish nuns were visiting Scotland for the first time when they saw a burly Scot wearing a traditional kilt. One nun whispered to the other, “Do ye suppose it’s true what they say? That they dinna wear anything underneath their kilts?”
“It’s Superman!”
A Bus Full Of Nuns….
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
With these spotless jokes, we highlight the funnier side of nuns, so come along on a happy journey packed with chuckles and good-natured humor!
“Yes I’ve never been to confession before. I’m Jewish.”
……falls of a cliff and they all die.
Virgin Mobile.
She couldn’t see that well.
Sorry, it’s a habit.
“Are you kidding?!” the priest said. “You can’t do that. 100 Hail Mary’s and run around the church 1000 times. By the way is this your first confession?”
Nun #2: “Saint Peter, forgive me, I once touched a man’s penis.”
I saw a nun wearing a concrete dress.
They ask for a few coronas, hurricanes, and fireballs.
“I poked holes in them.”
The bartender replied, ‘OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.’
Funny Nun Jokes
There are women around but they don’t want nun.
The monk says: “To be ill with a plague, to be a slave and to live in darkness.” He then teleports to hell.
When they get off the boat, they find their way to a hot dog stand on the corner, ask for two dogs, and sit down to eat this new food.
St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” “Well…. There was this one time… that I held one for a moment…”
… but now that I’ve met Sister Ruth, I’m confident I’d enjoy getting into the habit.
The first nun gladly follows the instruction and proceeds to enter Heaven.
The nun replied “Ten bucks same as in town.”
Out of habit.
Three nuns walk into a bar
The first nun said, “I was going through father’s desk and found pornographic magazines in his drawer.”
Why is it wrong to have sex with a nun?
What’s the difference between a nun in church and a prostitute in a bathtub?
Nun.
I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
Priest: Go wash your hands in Holy Water and you will be forgiven.
The next busy driver, who looks at the inscription, shows a finger and disappears behind the curve. A second later a loud crash is heard.
“When did you use this awful language?” asks the elder nun.
“If it isn’t too much trouble, my friend and I have a couple of questions if you’re willing to answer them.” Says the hot-headed Leprechaun
The first nun responds, “Yes I have. I have touched a penis with the tip of my finger.”
“Oh my!” commiserated the Mother Superior. “How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!”
St. Peter says to the first nun, “Sister, you’ve lead an exemplary life, performed many good deeds, feed the hungry, cared for the sick. Do you have anything to confess before I let you in to heaven?” The nun looks serious and answers him, “St. Peter, I have to confess something. Once, when I was a young novice and naive about the world, I gave a man a hand job in the confessional.”
Nun-related.
Sister Michael, the older and wiser nun, says to the young and naïve Sister Patrick, “See that crossroad ahead? You go left and I’ll go right: he can’t follow us both. We’ll meet back at the Abbey.”
Two Irish nuns are on a boat to the US, when the first nun says, “You know, I’ve heard they eat dogs in America.”
Three nuns die in a car accident and arrive at the pearly gates.
“Let me fetch you a blanket Father,” she replies and goes and gets him one. He thanks her but is still cold. After a few minutes he says “It’s still really cold on the couch Sister.”
Nun.
Why do priests have s**… with altar boys?
Then Mother Superior sighed and said, “You missed the fucking putt, didn’t you?”
Two tight-ends and a wide receiver!
“So that’s when you cursed,” said the Mother Superior with a knowing smile.
“If you are Jewish why are you telling me this?” begged the priest.
4 nuns died and went to heaven
Ba-nun-as.
“Thank the Lord you are alright!”, exclaims Sister Patrick. “But what happened to that man?
“Father, I’m surprised to see you here.”
Leprechaun nuns
If a nun’s robes were made of adamantium…
“Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards.”
“Oh mother superior has been here nearly sixty years and she would be able to answer any questions you have” responds the young nun
Did you hear about the nun who was caught with cannabis sewn into her robe?
Nun #4: *taps Nun #3 on the shoulder and says* “Do mind if I gargle with that water before you sit in it?”
“I seem to recall that,” the Mother Superior agreed. “So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?”
Priest and Nun Jokes
After some discussion, the two nuns decide that they will try some dog in order to start immersing themselves in American cultural customs.
When the smoke clears she sees two honest to goodness leprechauns standing in front of her, looking just like the legends said they looked. Fine green clothes, top hats, red mutton chops and standing about two feet tall. One stares at his feet sheepishly. The more confident one speaks
I realized why priests always have s**… scandals with boys
With our selection of hilarious nun jokes, get ready for a ton of laughter! As we celebrate the funnier side of nuns, these belly-laughing jokes will have you in tears.
A priest and a nun …
The nun screams “DON’T ASK ME IF I GOT OUT OF THE WRONG SIDE OF THE BED THIS MORNING!”
“Though I could wrong, but I do not believe that there is a Leprechaun Nun in Ireland” the Mother Superior responds.
The c**… had a hole in it.
“And,” Mother Superior continues, “the condom was broken.”
“Oh god dammit, I missed.”
99 nuns gasp one nun in the back giggles.
You dress her up like an altar boy
When he arrived at the church he was greeted by the Mother Superior who showed him around the place and guided him to his room. Before she left the priest alone in his room, she asked if he had any questions.
I can’t stop making nun jokes.
What do you call two nuns that don’t have family in common?
He was let off with a warning not to get into the habit.
99 nuns gasp, 1 nun giggles.
He doesn’t understand but is so embarrassed he just mumbles “no thank you” and hurries Back to the church.
Did you hear about the priest who got caught kissing a nun?
Through her “missionary” work course.
“Oh god dammit, how could I miss that!”, exclaims the priest.
What’s a nun’s favorite weapon?
“I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it.”
… and while waking through the park is approached by a s**…-clad p**….
The younger one didn’t touch it.
She goes to pray at her father’s grave on the St. Martin graveyard every Sunday at 10AM”.
Stag-nun-t.
What did the nun say when she didn’t want to answer questions?
Three nuns are gossiping about a priest.
What do you call an alpha nun?
What do you call the never-before-seen nun outfit?
She had a drug habit.
Confused, the priest replies “No thank you, my dear.”
A girl came into my bookstore and asked “What are the chances you have a book on curing eating disorders with religion?”
3 nuns are flashed by a pervert in a trench coat
We must stop this nun scents.
4 nuns arrive at the Pearly Gates of Heaven.
Lettuce pray.
What did the priest say to the nun at the salad bar?
The nun replies, “$20, same as in town”
“Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!” shouts one of the drunks.
It’s time to unleash the hilarity with our knock-knock nun jokes! Brace yourself for a series of interactive and playful jokes that revolve around nuns.
Still baffled as she gets to the church, she walks to another nun at the pulpit and asks, “Why does everyone keep asking me if I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today?!”
My aunt who is also a nun just got pregnant
What kind of kids do nuns help?
…when he is propositioned by a h**….
Nun.
Now, how about that drink?”
What do a person with a lisp and a nun have in common?
Nun are safe.
A joke a Jewish speaker at my Catholic college told the student body in front of a bunch of nuns
“And Is THAT when you swore?” asks the amazed elder nun.
And then a voice booms from above…
“I’m sorry, sisters, but are you sure this is the right place for you?”
The second one says “good for you sister. I found condoms in his drawer so I put holes in them”.
St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?”
“Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”
She replied with: “I can’t help it, I have a bad habit.”
A nun-profit.
It’d be a hard habit to break.
As he was recovering, a nun holding a clipboard came into his room and said she was from the billing department and asked how he was going to pay the bill.
Why wouldn’t a nun walk around in a bikini?
Two nuns are cycling through the old streets of Florence. Out of breath, the first nun says, “I’ve never come this way before.”
100 nuns are meeting with the priest.
A priest, a nun, and a rabbi walk into a bar.
Two nuns walking through the park were confronted by a flasher.
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
Nun.
Why did the church hire extra security guards?
“What should we do?” shrieks one nun as she panics and reaches for her Rosary beads..
Nun of your business!
Did you hear about the lonely preacher who invited women to his birthday party?
Drug dealers: “It’s a set up!”
She’s nun-touchable.
If a nun went to college, what would be her major?
She responds “oh no I would certainly remember that”
The driver looks in the rear view mirror and says, “Excuse me sister, I’ve always fantasised about having sex with a nun.”
Nun-alcoholic.
The library put it in the nun fiction section.
“Oh no” states the Mother Superior, “Though the possibility exists, why would they go away from their homeland to be a nun?”
The priest takes his putter and puts the ball towards the hole, in what should be in incredibly easy shot. Unfortunately, the ball skims the side of the hole and overshoots, coming to rest just next to it.
A nun gets out of bed
Why was the new nun sad?
Half an hour passes and the priest says “It’s still really cold on this couch sister, I don’t think the Lord would mind us acting like man and wife just for one night do you?”
“I’ve heard the same thing,” says the second.
She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration.
Sister Mary: “Who is it?”
“Hey Father, I’ll give the best b**… of your life for $10.”
It’s incest to have sex with sisters.
“My dear child,” said the nun, why are you crying?”
The nun says “if it was God’s wish, I will obey” so they go behind a bush and start to fuck.
“It’s a plane!”
The hung over Leprechaun, at this response, starts to look very worried, and the hot headed one looks extremely angry about something.
So the sisters part and the man follows Sister Michael.
A pen-nun-t.
A man is drinking in a bar when a nun harasses him about drinking. In self-defense the man says, “Who told you that drinking is bad?”
What do you call a Nun on the run?
Nun #1: “Saint Peter, forgive me, in my life I once gazed lustfully at a man’s penis.”
Sister Susan responds “Well if I’m going to have to gargle this stuff, I’d rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!”
The Sister Responds “Well… there was this one time… that I kinda sorta… touched one with the tip of my pinky finger…”
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
A young priest…
“Father, you ought to be careful. You of all people should know that if you continue to blaspheme like that, surely the Lord will strike you down with lightning.”
This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. “Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.”
What do you call a group of nuns with swords?
“It’s the blind man,” comes the response.
Nun.
Clean Nun Jokes
But the nun replies “no, God forbids it!” And she gets out on the next stop.
And a h**… shouts and says, “$20 for a h**…!”, but the priest keeps walking.
Why was the nun upset about her new job?
Knock Knock Nun Jokes
The second nun quickly does as she is told and gladly steps forth into Heaven.
Two nuns are walking down the street when they notice that a man is following them.
Get ready for a craic-filled time with our collection of Irish nun jokes! These jokes blend the charm of the Irish with the humor of nuns, resulting in a unique and delightful combination.
He looks to the first nun and asks, “Where did the first woman live?”
Best Nun Jokes
With the help of our selection of adult nun jokes, enter the world of humor for grownups. With a splash of some glamour, these jokes are made to make you laugh.
“Well, under the circumstances I don’t see that it would do any harm.” The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
‘Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,’ said the nun.
“Oh God dammit, I missed again.”
She went to the bartender and said, ‘Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?’
The man goes up to the bartender and says, “Bring me a couple of shots of vodka but bring one of them in a tea cup.”
I met a nun that wiped her nose on her clothes.
The hippie thanks him for the tip and gets off the bus.
you have to be single and
Enter the world of holy hilarity with our collection of priest and nun jokes! These jokes delve into the humorous interactions, playful banter, and comical dynamics between priests and nuns.
St Pete: “Sister, rinse your eyes with this Holy Water and then you may enter they Kingdom of Heaven.”
“Same is in town, Father, $20”
What kind of meat does a priest eat on fridays?
A cardinal mistake.
Sister Patrick stares in shock.
What do you call oyster nuns?
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, “Piss off, ya fookin’ little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!”
“I have never seen a man’s penis. Could I see yours?”
A nun is walking to church.
The second nun replies hesitantly, “Yes. I have touched a penis with my whole hand.”
The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Steve and I’m going to a Halloween party!”
To which the man asks, “So, have you ever tried it?”
He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you”
The taste.
The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He shook his head and replied, “I don’t.”
2 nuns are in a car at a stop light in Transylvania when a vampire blocks their car…
It is Okay, I used a c**….
The nun sternly replied, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.”
How many nuns have a husband?
“We know it’s not, but the reverend told us to help sinful souls. We thought we could find one here.”
A man collapses on the street and wakes up to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.
… but I’m willing to get into the habit.
“I know, father.” “In fact, I don’t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.”
She leads them up the stairs and down a long hallway to the office of mother superior. The one silent leprechaun continues staring sheepishly at the ground.
What is black and white, black and white, black and white?
What type of books do nuns read?
Feeling bad he says, “Actually sister I’m not Catholic”.
However, when the revelers saw the nun,the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, ‘May I please use the restroom?
Because it’s a bad habit.
Nun who?
“What troubles you, Sister?” asked the Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.”
A priest and a nun are driving home from a seminary…
Suddenly, there’s a huge thunder crash and bright flash of lightning, and the priest finds himself standing all alone on the golf course.
Nun.
Nun.
I don’t sleep with too many nuns…
A nun walks into the Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair.
The bartender says, “why the long face?” The horse screams, “I will end you!” And bites the bartender in the t**…. A priest, a nun, and a rabbi who were just approaching the entrance quietly turn and walk away as the horse shakes the bartender vigorously back and forth screaming, “why the floppy head?! Why the floppy head?!”
The first one says “I found n**… pictures on his desk so I tore them”.
“Far from it,” snorted the Sister. “In fact, I took the Lord’s name in vain today!”
Nun!
Bad habits.
“We know this is a sinful place, but the synagogue is just being renovated, and we thought we would sit here to discuss religious issues.”
A priest is doing some community work downtown…
“Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted” and she does so.
It was the priest, because he “pastor” a while back.
What do you call a holy woman that works in your office?
“Well, we were on the fifth tee — and this hole is a monster, Mother — 540 yard par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green … and I hit the drive of my life. The sweetest swing I’ve ever made. And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted … and it hits a bird in mid-flight!”
“No, that wasn’t it,” admitted the Sister. “While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!”
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
“Sure”, says the Mother Superior, “why not?”
In walks the man and says, “Hi, now where do you want this blind?”
“I agree.” “Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?”
That’s a hard habit to break.
“Thank ye Mother,” states the Leprechaun “My first question is this; would there happen to be a Leprechaun Nun in this nunnery?”
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
What did the nun say when she wanted to get everyone’s attention?
The third nun fainted.
The angel infront of the gate asked the first nun “have you held a phallus” and the nun said “accidentally I touched the tip once” and the angel said “wash your finger tips in that basin of holy water and your sins would be cleared”, the angel asked the 2nd nun the same question and the 2nd nun said “I once held one in my palm for a brief second” and the angel said “wash your palm in that basin of holywater and your sins will be cleared, the 4th nun came in rushing before the 3rd nun and the angel said “calm down sister there is no need to rush ” and the nun said “I am not washing my mouth with that water after the 3rd sister washes her ass with it”
Nun.
Three nuns are talking after having cleaned the priest’s desk.
She answers, ” My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything.
Nun.
The nurse reaches into her pocket and pulls out a thermometer. “Oh no,” she says, “some a**…’s got my pen.”
‘No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,’ said the puzzled nun.
“You missed the fucking putt, didn’t you?”
Did you hear about the nun who got addicted to knitting?
“Well done!” Says St Peter before turning to the third nun and saying, “As the Mother Superior you should be able to answer this; what did Eve say to Adam when she first saw him?”
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
“Anything father.”
A priest, a nun and some random dude walks into a bar
A monk, a nun and a priest all suddenly die in a fire and end up before God…
My parents are really religious
Nun 2: Forgive me, father, I touched a n**… man.
A naive young priest is sent to New York City…
And the old nun says, “Twenty bucks, same as on the street.”
What kind of meat can a priest eat on Friday?
Nun-derwear.
“Well,” replies Sister Michael, “After a few minutes, I stopped and pulled up my dress.”
The nun scolds the priest.
She said that needles were habit forming.
The patient replied, “Then send the bill to my brother-in-law.”
The nun responded: “should have looked higher, you would have seen the nicest pair of balls. I also don’t want to go to Afghanistan!”
St. Peter holds out the bowl and says, “Dip your finger in this Holy Water, and be free to enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”
Two nuns walk into a bar.
The bartender says “that’ll be 2020”
Nun showed up.
The nuns
What do you call it when a nun sins regularly?
Mother Superior looks up, “Wonderful. I was getting tired of the Chablis.”
“Oh, you know,” says the nun, “$10, same as downtown.”
The first nun unwraps her tinfoil and blushes a deep red.
Nun 3 (responding to Nun 4): Why?
A nun walks into Mother Superior’s office
St Peter nods approval and looks to the second nun. “What was the name of the first woman?”
The second nun then said, “I was going through father’s drawers and found a box of condoms.”
The fourth one ducks
The blind guy comes in, sets some stuff down, looks around and says “Nice tits, sisters. Where do you want the blinds?”
How didn’t the nun know she’s been sick for years?
Two high ranked army-officers walk up and ask the nun: “have you, by any coincidence, seen a soldier?”
A soldier approaches a nun.
“OK,” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”
A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
The nun replies. “That’s OK, my name is Bruce and I am going to fancy dress party.”
NSFW
What kind of drinks do nuns drink?
So the Mother Superior of an Irish nunnery is sitting in her office when suddenly two Leprechauns walk through her door; one looking like he was walking off a bad hangover and the other looking like he’s about to kill someone. After a short moment so that she could regain composure (because…you know…Leprechauns), she asks, “How can I help you two?”
“We understand there are no leprechaun nuns here now. Has there been any in your tenure?”
Later that day the priest is contemplating his day in the rectory garden when he sees a nun. He can’t get this “head” out of his head, so he asks the nun, “Sister, can I ask you a question? What’s head.”
“Yes it is, sister.”
What kind of fun do priests have?
Priest: Go wash your eyes in Holy Water and you will be forgiven.
“Because,” explains Sister Michael, “a nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his trousers down!”
99 nuns giggle, one in the back gasps.
If you guessed “Heaven nun” you are wrong.
Why are nuns so predictable?
The bartender says, “Three feet tall.”
“Sister would you mind if I touched them?”
The first nun said “the cucumbers are growing fairly well, they’re this big” and showed them how big it is with her hands.
How much s**… does a priest have?
“No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball.”
“I wasn’t going to.” Mother Superior replies, “I was just going to ask why you were wearing the Bishop’s slippers?”
“I agree,” the nun replies, “I don’t think he would mind if we acted like we were married, just for the one night.”
4 Nuns
“Top of the morning to ye, mother! We come with a question. Are there any leprechaun nuns here?”
A cabbie picks up a nun…
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, “I don’t think they know who we are. Show them your cross.”
St. Peter says “Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted.” and she did so.
The nun asked, “Do you have a relative who could help you?”
“Do want a q**… for ten bucks?”
She had a nasty habit.
So a man walks into confession and says “Forgive me father, for I have sinned”. The priest says “What have you done, my son?”
Why did the nun get kicked out?
A knock comes from the door.
“It’s a bird!”
“I supposed that would be OK,” the priest replied lifting his robe.
St. Peter smiles and says, “Do not despair, simply dip your whole hand into the Holy Water and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”
Nun 4: I am not going to gargle the Holy Water after you wash your b**… in it.
This happens another 12 times, by now the nun is pissed off, she bumps in to Mother Superior who smiles at her.
Okay, thinks the nun. “Come in then”.
The guy says, “Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!”
Nun of the above.
In desperation, the nun with all the ideas suggests, “Show him your cross, sister.”
A nun, a priest and a politician…
“GET UP AND GET YOUR OWN d**… BLANKET YA HARPY!”
A horse walks into a bar…
“Father, could I ask something of you?”
What’s a nun’s favorite answer to a multiple choice question?
While stopped at a traffic signal, a tiny Dracula jumps up on the hood of their vehicle and hisses through the windshield.
A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.
“Why, my son?”
“I’m afraid we have some bad news,” the Mother Superior says. “It appears one of you has been sneaking out and sinning behind the chapel walls.”
What’s a nun behind a stroller?
Three nuns die in a car crash and end up before the gates of St Peter.
“Actually I am” says the cabbie.
A nun is having a bath when she hears a knock of the door. She says, “Who is it?”
“Hey father, how about some head, only ten bucks!”
“I have never seen a woman’s breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.”
He’s nun-objectionable.
The answer is “Nun of the above”.
A priest is walking down the street…
One of the nuns thoughtfully says, “Sister, shall we just write: ‘Attention, the bridge is demolished?’”
“Well what about in any other convent in Ireland? Do you think one might be there?”
I heard what you said to the nun, and I’ve got a little tip for you.
A nun rolling down a hill.
A man, his wife, a group of nuns, a priest, a rabbi, Little Johnny, an American, a Russian, an Irishman, an Indian, a blonde, a brunette, a redhead, a cop, a king, a lawyer, a politician, and a dog walk into a bar.
Nun-functional.
The second nun gasped and asked, “What did you do with them?”
Nuns are painting the chapel on a hot summer day.
Nun 1: Forgive me, father, I have seen a n**… man.
‘Well, now they know you’re one of us,’ said the bartender, would you like a Drink?’
Two Irish nuns are on a boat to the US…
She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that –
Cloisters.
2 of them had a stroke. The other one didn’t want to touch it.
Dress her as an altar boy.
I don’t flirt with nuns very often…
St. Peter goes to the second nun and again asks, “Have you ever touched a penis?”
“What is it?!” asks the second nun.
“Use the washer,” shouts the passenger nun. “I filled it with Holy Water while we were at the Vatican.”
“Why of course,” says the driver. “Why didn’t I think of that?” She rolls down the window and screams out at the small creature, “Get the f**k off our car, you little c**ksucker!”
Which Bible character didn’t have parents?
Nun-derprivileged.
Saint Peter: “Sisters, confess your sins and you may enter paradise.”
How do you get a Nun pregnant?
On the next Sunday at 10AM, the hippie goes to the St. Martin graveyard in a Jesus costume and after a few minutes he finds the nun.
The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”
The nun says: “To be nailed to crosses, to walk for years in boiling hot land and drown in a flood.” She then teleports to hell.
Bartender yells, What is this, some sort of joke?
The bartender says, “What is this, a joke?”
“Ten bucks same as in the park.”
Faith book.
One nun says to the other “Quick sister, show him your cross!”
“No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole.”
What do you call a nun’s cell phone?
Thinking about the encounter later he asks one of the nuns, “hey sister what’s ‘head’?
The two nuns were silent for a moment.
The second nun pauses for a second and then replies, “Eve.”
He asks again “you have studied the history of this convent. Any records of any leprechaun nuns in those archives?”
At this point the fourth nun cuts in front of the third nun and says, “Listen, I better go next because I’m not gurgling that shit after she sticks her ass in it.”
Mother superior strokes her chin “oh I doubt that. Certainly a story like that would have made it’s rounds through here by now.”
Petey: “Sister, wash you hands in this Holy Water and then you may enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”
Irish Nun Jokes
Nuns are performing a much-needed renovation on the chapel. Today they paint… and the AC isn’t working great (that’s getting fixed tomorrow). It’s a sweltering hot summer day, so they decide that since they’re all sisters in Christ, they’ll just lock the doors and strip of their gowns and other clothes while painting so they aren’t sweating so much.
How do you get a priest to sleep with a nun?
“But I didn’t, Mother!” sobbed the Sister. “And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!”
Later that day, the priest asks a nun “what is a h**…?”
“Hello nun” he says, “God told me I shall come to Earth to fuck with you!”
What do you call a naked nun?
A doctor is doing his rounds at the hospital, going from patient to patient. He turns to a nurse and asks, “Sister, have you got a pen?”
… when their car breaks down in the middle of nowhere. It’s getting late and so they have to spend the night at an inn. The priest says “I don’t think the Lord will mind us sharing a room Sister, I’ll take the couch, you can have the bed.” She agrees and they go to bed. Later in the middle of the night the priest says “Sister it sure is cold on this couch.”
“I’m telling everybody”
Mother Superior gathers all 100 nuns in the chapel.
The next day, two rabbis walk into the bar. The bartender also asks them.
Virgin mobile.
Who’s there?
They’re creatures of habit.
Nun.
St. Peter is surprised, but he tells her, “Well, sister, that was one tiny mistake in a lifetime of pious service. Wash your hands in the holy water, say 10 hail Marys and you can go on in to heaven.”
Otherwise, they’re getting nun.
Nun Jokes One Liners
“Well, no.” says the nun. “You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!”
A man walks into a bar…
The man said, “I don’t have health insurance.”
Some time later, Sister Patrick is anxiously waiting at the Abbey when Sister Michael returns alone.
[NSFW] A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.
What do you call a nun that won’t work?
“I’m 72 and just had s**… with two 25 year olds” he claimed.
She had a filthy habit.
She was nun-derpaid.
‘You see,’ laughed the bartender, ‘every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.
A nun, a priest, and a minister walk into a bar.
Who won the race between the priest and the nun?
Holey.
She does it out of habit.
“You are all going to hell!” he announces. “As despite your dedicated lives you still had sins you did not repent for! However, for your services to me, I will allow you to choose your eternal punishment. You must select 3 different things I find most terrible that humans have experienced before. Each chosen will happen to you constantly forever.
It went nun-detected.
100 Nuns
Four Nuns are standing in line for confession.
They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter.
A priest was scolding a nun for exposing herself to the congregation multiple times…
Nun 4 (speaking to Nun 3): Can I go in front of you?
What does a nun’s asshole look like?
Nun of your business.
The deaf nun shouts “which priest you talking about?”
The priest doesn’t know what head is but he figures it’s bad if it is something she’s confessing to, so he gives her a couple of Hail Marys and an Our Father.
“It’s an honor to meet you, mother superior! We have some questions.”
What do you call an unusual home for nuns?
Note:
Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun “Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!”
A freshly ordained young priest was walking to his newly assigned parish in the inner city. As he walked down the street, a p**… stopped him and said, “Hey father, $20 for a b**….” The priest had never heard of such a thing and hurried away from the p**….
She finds it odd, but keeps walking. On her walk, three more people pass her and say, “Wake up on the wrong side of the bed today, Sister?”
St. Peter says to them “Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line.” And they do so.
“Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!” sympathized the Mother Superior.
Hilarious Nun Jokes
The second nun said “that’s great! The carrots are doing great too, they’re this big” and showed them how big it is with her hands.
Do you know how many women have been pope?
A roamin’ Catholic.
An alcoholic priest and a fornicating nun were having a lively conversation as they walked into a bar.
How did a prostitute become a nun?
What do you have when you put 2 nuns and a hooker on a football field?
“Nope, that wasn’t it either,” cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!”
What do you call a women-led monastery?
The nun says, “Mother Superior told me.”
What’s a nun’s favorite fruit?
“Oh, faith and begorrah! That’s gruesome!” screamed the nuns, running away.
I have an a-nun-cement.
What did the nun say when she couldn’t believe what was happening?
“Correct!” Says St Peter. “You may enter.”
No meat
After a while the hippie asks the nun “hey you, wanna fuck?”
Joshua, son of Nun.
Without missing a beat, the Mother Superior states “I know for a fact that there isn’t one with in this Nunnery”.
Knock! Knock!
“No, Mother,” says the nun. “After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away.”
Domi-nun-t.
Dirty Nun Jokes
Which character would a nun be in Star Wars?
It’s nun of your business.
The man exclaims,
Later, back at the church, he approaches one of the nuns.
Female monasteries are nun-profit.
The Leprechaun then turns and decks the hungover Leprechaun straight on to the floor and yells. “YE IDJIT!!! WE FUCKED A PENGUIN!!”
Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
To make sure the other nun gets none.
On the third day, two Irish priests walk into the bar. The bartender asks one of them,
How many religious women does it take to change a light bulb?
The nun frowns “If there was not one in Ireland I have to doubt there would be one anywhere on earth”
… are on a pilgrimage when they get caught in a blizzard. They make their way to a small abandoned cabin with a bed, a stack of blankets, and a sleeping bag. Now the priest, being a gentleman, offers the nun the bed and takes the sleeping bag for himself. They say their nightly prayers and tuck in for the night. The priest is nearly asleep when he is awoken by the nun, “Father, I’m cold!” The priest gets up, puts a blanket on her, checks that she’s OK, and goes back to his sleeping bag.
“Then,” continues Sister Michael, “he stopped and pulled down his trousers.”
How much money do nuns have?
Excitedly the priest stands up and heads towards the bed…
“Father, watch your language. Take the Lord’s name in vain again, and surely He will strike you down with lightning.”
And the priest says: “To always have beer, weed and hookers.”
What’s the difference between an o**… and a r**… thermometer?
What do you call a nun that does the same thing over and over?
you must be Catholic.”
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while ‘the lights would turn off.’
A few minutes later the hippie wants to get out too and right as he wants to leave the bus, the bus driver yells “hey you, hippie, come over here.
99 nuns gasp, 1 nun giggles.
She thinks for a moment “I’ve read every book in our library twice, definitely no leprechaun nuns in our history”
The other nun looks down and says, “You’re wearing the priest’s shoes”
Overhearing them, the Scot proudly turned toward them and raised his kilt, revealing a massive erection.
Nun Jokes for Adults
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
I just came up with this one at the breakfast table for those who are curious.
“…fine…” The angered Leprechaun says, “There wouldn’t happen to be the slightest chance that there would be a Leprechaun Nun anywhere in this world?”
Four nuns have just died
A cab driver picks up a Nun…
“Terrible news, Mother Superior. We’ve discovered a case of syphilis in the convent.”
The nun replies, “Yeah, you and everyone else. Tell me are you a Catholic?”
I wrote a novel about religious women.
One has hope in her soul
St. Peter is there to meet them with a bowl of Holy Water.
How much fun did the priest have at the weekend ?
Why can’t you ever touch a nun?
A nun and a priest are playing golf
The young nun is still shocked by their presence but answers “no, I’ve been here five years and there are no leprechaun nuns in this convent”
“Then why don’t you stick it up that camel’s ass and let’s get the fuck out of here.”
How many Women Priest are there?
A guy runs into a bar, and yells, “Quick! How tall is a penguin?”
Two nuns are on a motorcar trip through Europe, and end up in Transylvania.
Virgin Mobile.
“Go ahead”, answered the nun.
“Oh father, may I touch it?”
“Oh God dammit, I missed.”
“Did you swear THEN?” asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, “Did that sound cross enough?”
“All right then” the Leprechaun continues “Do ye think there’d be a Leprechaun Nun within a Nunnery in all of Ireland?”
After they’re done the hippie throws of his costume and yells “gotcha, I’m the hippie!”, then the nun throws off her costume and yells “gotcha, I’m the bus driver!”
What do you call a Nun with Jedi powers?
“Is THAT when you swore?” asks the Mother Superior again.
What do you call nun in heaven?
“Och! Come back!” the Scot shouted after them. “It just grew some more!”
What does a nun wear under her habit?
She felt nun-welcomed.
“Turn on the wipers! That will get rid of the abomination, Sister,” says the passenger nun.
The driver does so, and Dracula gets knocked around a bit but manages to hang on.
After the officers disappear the soldier leaves the dress and says: “thank you so much! I don’t want to go to Afghanistan! My apologies, but I got to say that you have a nice pair of legs.”
Why did the blind nun fall down the well?
The old nun immediately had a stroke.
4 nuns go to heaven
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The man says, “Well then, don’t criticize me if you haven’t tried it. I’ll tell you what if you try it and don’t like it, I’ll give up drinking for life.”
The first nun gasped and asked, “What did you do with them?”
Not knowing what it was, he said no. When he got back to the monastery, his curiosity got the better of him. So he asked a nun, “what’s a q**…?”
The leprechaun grins. “if not in Ireland I know there are convents all over gods creation. Perhaps one is there?”
1 nun gasps, 99 nuns giggle.
Fi-nun-ce.
He said, “Just a sister, who’s a spinster nun.”
What did the priest say to get the nuns to stop spraying perfume?
A Priest, a Rabbi, a Nun, two gorillas, a leopard, a horse, two turtles, and a dragonfly walk into a bar.